Don’t be evil, redux

Google just bought remail, a company that make an iPhone email application. What was the first thing they did with their new acquisition? Why, shut it down of course!

Fuckers. They bought out this company just so they could kill good software that ran on a competitors hardware. Google might get a competitive advantage from this in their vendetta against apple, but the people they are really hurting are their own customers.

Hurt your customers just to gain an advantage for yourself? That is evil Google. And it is a play straight out of Microsoft’s handbook.

Don’t be evil

On the one hand, I am a tin foil hat wearing, crypto loving privacy freak. On the other, Google’s products are just so damn useful. What’s a nerd to do?

There’s been a shit-storm lately about Google Buzz. See the problem with buzz was that it just showed up one day. Google didn’t ask “hey here’s this new thing you should try – wanna give it a go?” No, it just showed up uninvited on your doorstep with a rucksack, barged in and crashed on your couch.

Buzz is a social networking thingo, kind of like facebook you could say. In it you have “friends” and your “friends” can see who your other “friends” are. The problem with this was that Google automatically chose your “friends” for you, based on the people you email most often. So, hypothetically, your husband can now see that you are “friends” with that mystery man who you happen to be having an affair with. Needless to say this is a gross misuse of your private details.

Recently I tried to sign up for a new gmail account to use on various forums without attracting too much spam to my primary account. I was flabbergasted to find that Google now requires an SMS verification to be sent to your phone – so know they know your phone number too.

But god damn, Google’s stuff is indispensable. I always find myself pushing the privacy concerns to one side because I need those features. Recently I was seduced by the new Google nexus one phone, because it is so damn cool and useful. But because of that, they now have even more information about me. They have not only my contact’s email addresses, but their phone numbers too. They know where I am every time I use the maps and navigation features on my phone. They have my calendar of events, my to do task list, and of course my web search history.

Damn it I really want to keep using all this cool stuff Google makes. So I want them to not be evil. I need them to not be evil. That’s why their handling of the Google Buzz launch has me really worried.

Compliment

She just said to me:

“You look nice. You normally look nice, but today you’re a standard deviation above the mean. By your standard, I mean.”

Isn’t she awesome?

Lotto roulette

So Kath wrote about playing the lotto, and why she does it. I started to write a reply which turned out to be insanely long, so long that it deserves republishing here.

I’ve never understood why people seem to get a thrill from buying a lotto ticket and imagining what they will do if they win. See, the thing is, imagination is free. You don’t actually need to buy the ticket to indulge in the “what would I do if I won lotto” game.

You could imagine that you found a ticket. You could imagine that some mysterious distant relative you’ve never heard of has carked it and you’ve inherited their estate. You could imagine charlie and the chocolate factory is real, and you’ve just laid your hands on the golden ticket.

None of this costs you anything.

And obviously you know how improbable it is to win, but you convince yourself otherwise. So quoting numbers isn’t going to win you over, but maybe visualizing it will. So here goes…

Google tells me the odds of winning oz lotto are 8,145,060 to 1. Let’s imagine these odds on a roulette table.

Let’s assume our roulette ball is 1cm wide. So it needs to fall into a slot that is at least 1cm wide. And there needs to be 8,145,060 slots. So that makes a roulette wheel with a circumference of at least 81 km. The good ol’ 2 pi R formula tells us that would make the wheel about 26km across.

This is way bigger than the biggest circular thing I can think of, the Arecibo radio observatory. Take a look at this picture of it.

Imagine playing roulette on that baby, hoping your ball will fall into the 1cm wide slot on the edge with your number on it.

That radio telescope is only 305 metres wide. The imaginary “lotto” roulette wheel is 26km wide; 86 times bigger! It might take you an hour of driving around it just to see who won, if you were doing 80km/hr! Assuming you can even spot a 1cm wide roulette ball at that speed!

Wow it was fun working that out and imagining it. And it cost me nothing! In conclusion, I am a total nerd and you should not buy lotto tickets.

Toilet Spider

You arrive home, rush to the toilet and are faced with this:

Do you:

a) flush, then piss
b) piss, then flush
c) grab the camera

?

No points for guessing which one I went with.

Because I couldn’t not post this

Dresden Codak

Dresden Codak is the best thing ever. That is all.

Xenophon’s Wager

Xenophon got up in the Australian Senate yesterday and talked about the government’s proposed carbon pollution reduction scheme (CPRS). Here’s what he said:

If we get this wrong, if the climate change sceptics are wrong, are they willing to literally bet the planet that they are right and thousands of climate change scientists are wrong? I think that is the key to this. My plea to Senator Joyce, whom I regard as a friend and colleague, is to look at the risk factors, look at this as an issue of managing risk. If you are doubtful about the science, at least look at the whole issue of managing this very significant risk, because there is no going back if we get this wrong.

Funny, I didn’t think Nick “no pokies” Xenophon was a gambling man? Either the science is valid, or it is not. Rhetoric and threats like this are useless, and should have no place in the senate. You could very well use the same argument to justify the doomsday crackpotism that is the 2012 mayan end of the world crap.

Unfortunately the evidence supporting climate change is valid, and we are all fucked unless we do something about it.

Still it would be nice if the senate was a forum of informed logical debate rather than a slanging match. Watching parliament question time will quickly shatter any such ideals. But if it is to be a primary school playground, at least Xenophon managed to get in this gem:

if the government’s CPRS were a dog, the only merciful thing to do would be to have it put down.

Fictional people I have crushes on

After new friends get to know me, one question is inevitable. “What kind of girls do you like?” I think I always get this question because I’m not very vocal about who I’m attracted to. I don’t wolf whistle or stare or proclaim “dayumn” every time someone I like walks by. Recently I was asked if I was gay by one of my new melbourne friends. The truth is I’m kind of shy and clueless when it comes to this stuff. I can’t flirt and I don’t even realise when someone is trying do so with me.

Anyway as a public service to clear up any confusion, here is a list of people I am attracted to. The catch? They are all fictional people from TV shows.

Liz Lemon

Liz Lemon runs her own Saturday Night Live style comedy show in 30 Rock. She’s quick, she’s funny, she’s in control. She also drops star wars references as often as she drops food on her top when eating. My kind of girl.

Daria Morgendorfer

Sure, she’s animated, but Daria’s got attitude. Surly, with a razor sharp wit, so sarcastic it borders on recursive sarcasm. Of course all this spikyness sits on top of a vulnerable squishy interior that’s too adorable to ignore. Daria had the greatest one liners ever. Thanks to her, I am disappointed every time I go to a job interview and they don’t ask me what my greatest weakness is.

Jane Lane

Because if Tom could go out with both Daria and Jane, why can’t I? Oh that’s right, they are animated sprites that don’t actually exist. Anyway… whereas Daria is a intellectual nerd, Jane is an arty, creative nerd.

Samantha Carter

Samantha Carter from Stargate is an astro-physics genius. She also rides a motorbike and knows how to handle a P90 sub machine gun when the aliens are trying to kill her. Need I say more?

Codex

Okay, I’m going to be honest here, it’s really more of a crush on the actress, Felicia Day, rather than the character, Codex, she plays in The Guild. But come on, what nerd doesn’t have a crush on Felicia Day? She’s a gamer (with her own internet sitcom about gaming addiction), she was on Buffy, and she has a double degree in Mathematics and Violin Performance. Daayyyyumn.

Seven of Nine

Okay sure, adding Seven to the cast of Star Trek Voyager clad in a skin tight corset and cat suit was a shameless grab for male viewership. It worked. But in an otherwise feminist positive show, with a strong female starship captain, the objectification of seven was a little jarring. It was a credit to the actress that she managed to get past the suit and portray a great character coming to terms with what it means to be human. Being an ex-borg, seven had a bit of a gruff exterior, didn’t take any bullshit, but underneath it was still the vulnerable little girl she was before she was abducted. Are we sensing a pattern here?

Willow Rosenberg

Buffy’s best friend Willow was the nerdy girl in the show who went on to become a confident, powerful witch with more demon ass-kicking ability than the vampire slayer herself.

Tara

Tara was Willow’s girlfriend on Buffy. Her shyness was so adorable you just wanted to hug her. And then have sex with her.

Faith

Again from Buffy the Vamp Slayer, Faith was the bad girl. So bad it that was good. Soooo good.

Hopefully that clears things up and wasn’t too creepy. Perhaps you could join in the weirdness by mentioning any fictional people you would “do” in the comments? No?

And the winner is

Recently I had to write a resume as part of a project review at work. In the template I was supplied with there was a section for “awards”. Not having won much official recognition, I did what all great resume writers do, and invented some.

Daniel Kinsman has won the following awards:

• 2005 Office guitar hero championship
• 2083 Time traveler of the year award

I was particularly proud of the last one. My manager, though sharing the humour, sadly told me to revise it.

So, can you come up with any humorous awards?